"It's the first time anyone could remember a shark falling from the
sky at the golf course."
-The Associated Press
"Mom, one of your children would like a cheese sandwich, and it isn't Phin."
Hettie
"So if we make good choices, what will we ultimately have?"
"REVENGE!"
-Charity & Eli
"Tell Phin not to watch me! I'm a private dancer!"
-Hettie, after ballet class
[*Bump* followed by very brief, hysterical tears, followed by silence]
"...Actually, Mom, I decided not to cry."
-Phin
"Please don't drink the bath water, Phin. It has soap and dirt in
it."
"...and pee."
-Kimber
& Hettie
*****In September of 2012, I got tired of scrolling to the bottom of the
page, and decided to put new quotes at the top. This marks the chronological
beginning of these adorable one liners*****
"When I eat doggy food, it is yucky. So
don't do it."
-Hettie to Phin
"When I grow up and get rich, all of my Christmas cards are going to
be printed on beaten silver."
-Zen
"Why are you eating crayons?"
"Because green food is so healthy."
-Kimber and Hettie
"No one could ever love a warthog"
"What about another warthog?"
"No. No, I don't think so."
-Anonymous YW Leader
"I have Liberty sons, and none of them have ever told me that they
want to marry an intelligent, spiritual, ugly girl"
-The Same Anonymous YW Leader (she was on a roll that
night)
"May I please have scissors?"
"Why?"
"I need to cut Daddy's hair."
-Hettie and Kimber
"Have you seen Oink-oink? He's a pig that looks like a
pillow."
-Hettie to Liberty
"I feel like I'm not wearing enough blush."
-Corban
"So, if someone doesn't repay your microloan, can you go after them
with a micro-baseball bat?"
-Zen
"You're so short. It's like the press ran out of Play Doh when it was
making your legs."
-Kimber to Glorianna
"If you don't wear something for long enough, you no longer have to
wash it."
-Glorianna
"You don't just hand someone
a placenta."
-Liberty
"That's not as funny as you're hoping it is."
-Premal, to Liberty
"I am the most intellectual of my sisters."
-Charity
"Sometimes I like to read other people's mail!"
-Mercina
"In the daytime it's light, and in the nighttime it's. . ."
"Christmas Eve!"
-An adult and Hettie, discussing opposites
"The nice thing about 120 volts is it can't really kill you"
-David
"But I like flavorless
mush"
-Hettie, asking to eat Phin's baby food
"I have beautiful friends. . ."
-Hettie, in her sleep
"Look daddy! A tiiiny little booger in my cute little hand!"
-Hettie
"No way I'm singing! You guys have already seen me in a speedo!"
-Elder E, to Mercina and Glorianna
"Yellow is the best color in the English alphabet."
-Charity
"Oh! I thought your foot was a dog!"
"Everyone thinks that my feet are dogs."
-Glorianna and Mercina
"Ugh! The dog stinks."
"No he doesn't! . . . I think he smells like roses."
-Glorianna and Momo
"She snuck up on me -- like Potiphar's wife."
-David, on the dog licking his face
"I'm afraid that you're going to electrocute yourself."
"Don't worry! I already did!"
-Mercina and Glorianna
"I think I need to cry."
"Why is that?"
"Because I miss my Daddy."
"Do you want to call him?"
"No thanks. I'm watching a movie... Can you please stop talking?"
-Hettie and Kimber
"The name of this train is Super, but it's terrible!"
-BBC Reporter
"But I don't want to be a whisperer!!"
-A very jet-lagged Hettie at 2 a.m.
"Can I have two halves?"
-Tompkins, about a giant cookie
"Nobody can do nothing, and nothing's worth doing anyway. That's my
motto."
-Mimo
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, ask me questions about WWII!!”
“ Really?... Well... Ok. Who was the bad guy during WWII?”
“Gadhafi! Gadhafi! Gadhafi!”
-Tompkins & his Mommy
"Sorry, Daddy. You sound like an evil robot."
-Hettie, via a bad Skype connection
"If my husband went to the spa the day after I'd given birth to Glorianna
separate babies, I'd kill him."
-Mercina, after Mr. Dog went to the groomer without the mother of his dog
children
"When life gives you lemons, rub them in the open wounds of your
enemies."
-Carl Castle
"Can I call you Dr. Edward Cullen?"
-17 year-old peds patient to Premal
"When you're naked, you run the fastest"
-The Professor
"I think I want to be a hairdresser."
-Glorianna to Mercina (as she violently tries to braid her hair)
"Jesus is inside the
bunny costume."
-MJB
"May I bite you, gently?"
-Hettie
"You're not my mommy exactly. But you're like my mommy."
-Hettie to Charity
"Dirty grass is dirty."
-Glorianna
"What I lack in punctuality I make up for in inappropriate
attire."
-Kimber
"I saw his face, but then he was so handsome that I had to hide."
-Glorianna, about the Silver Fox
"Does your dog bite?"
"Oh, only small children."
-Mimo to passerby on the street with small child in tow.
"Do you prefer showers? I prefer tubby baths."
-Hettie
"How are you such a gross little boy?"
"Only when you zoom in!"
-Glorianna and Zen
"I love you"
"Oh, I love yogurt"
-Liberty and Hettie
"You look hot. And by hot, I mean over-heated."
-Liberty to Rock Band Dude
"I love Mayumi. I will hit her so gently, it will feel like a
hug"
-Hettie, regarding playdate etiquette
"Dogs are like monsters, only better. Because they're
real."
-David
"I went to Hamsterdam, to see tiiiiiny little hamsters."
-Hettie
"Will there be ketchup at the wedding?"
-Tompkins
"Do you want a gummie vitamin?"
-David, valiantly attempting -- and utterly failing -- to lure Hettie away
from an assortment of Good Stuff milkshakes
"I slept well -- no
monsters came to borrow me to eat me."
-Hettie
"Hysteric glamor relieves tension."
-Korean Tshirt
"He thought it was the coolest thing since yogurt and breast
milk!"
-Premal on Phin's first encounter with bubbles
"Are you sure you don't want one?"
"No, I couldn't possibly eat another bite."
-Mimo (talking about puppies) and S. (talking about dinner)
"Can I go to the Promised Land? I think it might be Mimo's
house...."
-Hettie
"This music is oppressively peaceful."
-Mercina
"Does this say. . . Taco?"
-Momo, about a T&Co necklace
"May I please make a snowman?"
-Hettie, on the first 100+ afternoon of Summer
"I have to go to the bathroom, but first I must rest."
-Zusa
"I am a stoner in everything but that which I inhale."
-Glorianna
"Come on tofu! You should know better."
-Z, on public urination to a block of tofu
"Hey! Let's go chase the moon!"
-Hettie
"Honey, you can't do that!"
"I'm not doing that!"
- Charity & Yoni
"I found the perfect wedding dress today. There's only one problem: it
comes in sizes 2-6 toddler."
-Charity
"Hey! Don't shine on me!"
-Hettie, talking to the sun
"She's shallow, but I like her 'cause she's pretty."
-Zen
"P is the dirtiest letter. Because it's in your diaper."
-Hettie
"Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton."
-Hillary Clinton
"Astro Boy took my marzipan, so I took his mother."
-Zen
"You're adorable."
"I suppose I am."
-Zen and Hettie
"I ate pie before it was cool
... and I burnt my tongue."
-Corban
"If you say something once and people don't respond, say it again and
pretend it was a joke. If people don't laugh, say it one more time and if that
fails to work, announce it was a joke."
-Charity
"If I were a Catholic, I'd give up my eyebrows for Lent."
-Zen
"If I had a house this big, it would have more mirrors."
-Liberty
"It's not broken! It just needs to be fixed..."
-Momo
"I like Cozy, but Cozy isn't a genius."
-Hettie., on her favorite blanket
"No screaming, no whining, no wailing; It's auntie Charity's
birthday!"
-Hettie., lecturing Phin
"What happened to you?"
"I fell asleep on my way to the door."
-Glorianna and Mercina
"I know that you hate this more than anything else in the world.
That's why I love to do it."
-Zen
"I love you, Mommy! You're my favorite Auntie."
-Hettie
"Who celebrates Labor Day anyway? I mean, 'happy Labor Day! Here's
your baby!' really?"
-Sweet C
"Boogers? I ate 100 boogers!"
-Hettie
"Oh, Daddy! You're such a glorious!"
-Hettie
"You deserve a star. On your face."
-Mercina (to Glorianna)
"How do you spell boutonniere?"
"YUCK! you guys went bra shopping together?!"
-Mercina and Zen
"We don't need really nice things. You know, we could just bring some
old trash."
-Glorianna to Mercina (on furnishing dorms)
"Stop being stupid!"
"Why?"
-Mercina & Zen
"It's really ugly, but it looks very labor intensive."
-Mercina
"I don't think skinny jeans are conducive to potty training."
-Mercina
"I couldn't have gotten more stares if I'd had JLo in my
stroller."
-Kimber
"Aww! Cute lil' leech!"
-Hettie
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A hot dog!"
-Mercina and Hettie
"You're not wearing any shoes!"
-Glorianna, upon seeing a %100 nudie Hettie
"My eyes are so bad; I'm contemplating studying
for the eye-exam."
-Mercina
"I love the handicap stall, it's like peeing in first class!"
-Liberty
"I want longer hair."
"I can send you some porn if you want."
-Glorianna and Mrs. N, on Korean approaches to hair regrowth
"I like to ride the potty train!"
-Hettie
"This isn't a storm. This is a party!"
-Hettie, on Hurricane Irene
"These people smell like they don't like me."
-Glorianna
"You cannot break bread, you can only break yourself against it."
-Mercina
"I'm not good at paying attention. That's why I have you!"
-YONI to Charity
"What if I put butter on the dirt?"
-Hettie, discussing things we do and do not eat
"They had a Fight Club at the diabetes camp."
-Miss E
"Wow. Look at Hillary [Clinton's] hair. She looks sexy."
"Should I be jealous?"
"Maybe a little..."
-YONI to Charity on his Cabinet crush
"I love you!"
-Phin
"We're gonna go cut up babies. No, not babies, BODIES!"
-Liberty, about her trip with Premal to the anatomy lab
"Oh, Mommy! You're so sweet! ...and sour."
-Hettie
"Satan! Leave our home!"
-Glorianna, every morning, to her alarm clock
"I've already met many quite
geniuses."
-Lil' D
"Heavenly Father made you beautiful just the way you are."
"Yeah. And Heavenly Father gave you makeup."
-Kimber and Hettie
"I have a little crush on him -- he's old and
very short."
-Mercina
"Coming up Mercina flights is so much easier when you're drunk!"
-Hallmate A
"My favorite thing to do in hospitals is refuse treatment."
-Charity
"Ooooo, I feel like an egg. . . No, really, I feel like an egg."
-Mercina
"Ugh! There's a bug! On our rug! It's a slug!"
-Mercina, regarding a slug-bug on our rug
"Oh my gosh. This is amazing. What's in it?"
"Butter and cream cheese."
-Charity and B&B Owner
"Logic doesn't make any sense."
-Student M
"How do I know that Jews don't control the world? The world
sucks."
-Samwise
"You don't collect children because they are cuter than stamps."
-A blogger quoted at G.C.
"What doesn't kill you makes you bitter."
-MJB
"Magician plus Black Belt in Karate equals Ninja, right?"
"You're so good at math."
-MiK and Mercina
"May all of your wildest dreams come true as long as they are g-rated:
like rainbow cake ... or becoming a benevolent princess who saves kittens and
lobsters from untimely death."
-Charity to Glorianna for her birthday
"Thanks for the Pizza, Mom. I prefer shrimp."
-Hettie, on Costco dining options
"May I please have a weapon? Phin keeps escaping."
-Hettie
"Who are the ninety-nine percent? Everyone who isn't the one percent. It really doesn’t seem incredibly
complicated.”
-Glorianna
"Do you want a pancake?"
"No!"
"I don't think he knows what that word means, Mom."
-Kimber, Phin and Hettie
"I'm a hero, too!"
-Kimber and Hettie
"It's not a reading 'E.'
It's an exploding 'E.'"
-Hettie, regarding penmanship
"Some people have a doggie, but some people just have a brother."
-Hettie
"In the meantime, let's read a book."
"Yeah! And in the nice-time, let's watch a movie."
-Kimber & Hettie
"Yeah, back when hipsters were still confused skaters."
-Glorianna
"Mommy says I don't have room for my delicious-licious milkshake. But
I do! Look! In my mouth!"
-Hettie
"Hey, little Butter Man! Come back to our love-butter sandwich!"
-Hettie to Phin, regarding group hugs
"You have a booger on your face, Cowboy."
-Hettie to a Stetson-topped Phin
"Do not hit
your brother with a shoe!"
"Mom. It was a slipper."
-Kimber and Hettie
"My legs are sore from eating so much."
-Glorianna
"I love you, lights!"
-Phin, on a particularly spectacular Christmas display
"If you gave me your
heart, I would keep it like a treasure."
-Hettie, after being serenaded with the Wham! Christmas
song
"Those aren't shorts, they're double-thick underwear."
-Glorianna
"Tell Zen I have a birthay present for him, but your Mom needs to sign
a waiver before he can use it."
-Pinky
"I poured ink into the Brita filter."
-Glorianna
I am grateful to her for giving me sugar."
"That's what he said. . ."
-Mercina and Glorianna
"This is a phone for Democrats..."
-David, regarding his company-issued iPhone
"Ugh. How would you make fondue without wine?"
"Beer and cheddar."
-Glorianna and Zen
"Momo will be right back. She just has to go out to buy some
drugs."
-Mimo to Hettie and Phin
"After lights out, you could sell warm, crotchy peanut butter
for anything."
-Corban
"Please water me, Mommy."
-A very thirsty Phin
"I want to eat all of the raspberries, but you can have the bananas
and the apricots because I'm not selfish."
-Glorianna
"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently
unclear."
-German Police Investigator
"I didn't hear what the question was, but the answer is
'milkshake.'"
-Auntie K
"No amount of diligence can counteract an incredibly devious, highly
sedated Charity."
-Shiloh
"I feel like I'm wearing baby pajamas."
"You look like you're wearing baby pajamas."
-Shiloh and Glorianna
"According to the gummy vites bottle, I've eaten the equivalent of 300
tangerines today."
-Mercina
"Dogs are lucky, because their shoes are attached."
-Hettie, on missing footwear
"I think the radio is broken; I can't hear the 'green-speckled frog song.'"
"That's because we're listening to All Things Considered."
-Hettie and Kimber
"Is that smell your gum or my deodorant?"
-Liberty
"Wow, Mommy! Snowman cars!"
-Phin, on post-flurry vehicles
"This is worse than learning about Santa Clause... because I kind of
already knew about Santa."
-Mercina on the facts of becoming a man
"She's like my best friend--which is funny, because she tried to pull
out my eyebrows last night."
-Yoni
"Lung transplant?! I didn't know they could do that..."
-The doctor filling in for Kimber's regular Ob
"What day is it?"
"Tuesday."
"Oh! Happy Tuesday, Mom!"
-Hettie
"He was like a grandfather to me"
"Did you ever meet him?"
"No."
-David and Kimber, regarding Ronald Reagan
"I found a tiny ant and she looked cold, but I couldn't find her
jacket. So I just put her in my sock."
-Hettie
"More yogurt, please, Daddy!"
-Phin, regarding a chocolate milkshake
"It's part 'Rite of Spring', part 'Davy Crockett'."
-Mercina, on Momo's newly purchased 'Boroque Folk' CD
"How about you give me some cookies, and then we watch a movie?!"
"That sounds like a good deal."
"No, that sounds like a good plan!'
-Hettie and Kimber
"That is not good,
but I like it!"
-Hettie, regarding David's homemade kefir
"Do you want to watch Tosh.0?"
"Ugh no! He's too evil. Go back to the murder show."
-Shiloh and Glorianna
"I'm cold."
"Do you want a sweater?"
"No thank you. I already have a little sweater in my bellybutton.
-Glorianna and Charity
"Delicious! Smell this!"
"Delicious! Smell this!"
-Hettie (regarding a silk potpourri sachet) and Phin (regarding used dental
floss)
"What sports will you let your kids play?"
"Chess."
-Shiloh and Glorianna
"Phin, reaching down your mama's shirt is sketchy."
-Hettie
"You can't eat plain mayonnaise."
"Why?"
"It's like eating plain butter!"
"And?"
-Charity and Yoni
"Ugh!... Oh no!... Mommy ... I'm nude."
-Phin, after waking up from a nap in his diaper.
"You're my little boy."
"No! I'm your cute little
boy!"
-Kimber and Phin
"Kiss?"
*smooch*
"No, with tongue."
-Phin
"Is, perhaps, the bellybutton the paramount indicator of life?"
-Glorianna
"Your guys' definition of 'cool' is literally everybody else's
definition of 'dorky'."
-Z
"Sometimes I step on Phin's toes. But then I forgive him."
-Hettie
"I suppose you don't actually need to improve your handwriting. These
days, everyone uses typewriters."
-Mimo
"But I can't go! I'm her protector!"
-Hettie, about Disco
"Are these eyebrow-removing forceps yours?"
"Do you mean tweezers?"
-Premal and Liberty
"I love my kidneys. They help me pee."
-Hettie
"Have you been playing titty twisters with girls?"
-Momo, to Zen
"Mommy, when I grow up, I'll be a lawyer girl. And Phin will be a
lawyer boy. And daddy will be an old lawyer. And you'll be. . . an old
woman."
-Hettie
New terms of endearment:
Penguin--Because you're sweet, monogamous, and will one day raise my
children
Avocado--Because you're the good kind of fat
Dog--Because I want you
-Glorianna, Liberty, Mercina
"Hey, Mom! Your boobies are a parking lot!"
-Phin, after driving a Matchbox car down Kimber's shirt
"At least she would die free and happy."
-Hettie, regarding Dolley Dog's possible leap from a third floor
balcony
"I want to do this, and I want to do it now. I'm going to sit here
like an angry drunk 'til it happens."
-Mercina
"Isn't this sweet? I'm pretending to care for Phin."
-Hettie
"Bee spit! My favorite!!"
-Hettie, regarding honey
