What the F. . . ish?!

About a year ago, we hosted a pair of boys, M and S, from the UAE. Both were affable punks, but S had a disturbing preoccupation with -- no joke -- murdering fish. As far as we knew, he had never actually acted on these feelings--not even catch and release fishing--but he was obsessed with the topic. However, after a few weeks, Four and I began to fear that S was planning to actuate his ominous musings. We decided that the only course of action was to scare S straight away from his murderous intentions.

If someone close -- or not so close -- to you is suffering from pescicidal tendencies, I heartily recommend the following fintervention (oh HO! Pun obviously intended):

1: Legally purchase -- don't murder -- a whole dead fish. We got ours from
the bargain section of the fish counter. . . which is officially sketch.

2: Transfer entire fish to airtight, translucent bag. This step is optional

depending on how much you care about fish stank and how much you

want to freak out the object of your intervention.

3: Attach fish, bagged or unbagged, to a string.

4: Hang fish just shy of eye-level in front of a door frequented by the

potential fish-murderer, preferably one that will not be opened by

someone other than the fish-murderer. Though, come to think of

it, doing otherwise could be really fun too.

5: Name dead fish.

Cleopatro, a brave fish sacrificed for the sake of his underwater brethren

To ensure that the intervention has been successful, stay within earshot of door. If you hear a scream, shriek, or yelp, rest assured that the subject will not harm fish anytime soon. However, if your ears are met with vicious laughter or audible lip-smacking, you may have bigger problems to deal with.

Note: Four and I are practicing vegetarians, so we suggest taking the above specified actions only in the direst of situations. For less serious instances, this should serve as adequate retribution for troubling behaviors.