5 Fail-Safe Ways to Make Friends

Making friends at school can be overwhelming, but you know what's even more overwhelming? The tremendous amount of pain and distress that accompanies those of us who don't have any friends! That's where I come in. As a professional psychologist*, I have devoted hours to studying how people make friends. During the course of my research, I have developed a revolutionary and fail-safe algorithm for making friends. Simply follow these instructions and you'll never be friendless again!

1. Whenever you encounter someone wearing a t-shirt, sweatshirt, sweater, polo, sweatband, hat, pair of sweat pants, pair of pajamas, pair of socks, pair of underwear, shoulder bag or backpack with the name of your school on it, express surprise and delight! The conversation should go something like this:

YOU: OH MY GOSH! You go to (insert the name of school)?
YOU: THAT'S SO COOL! You aren't going to believe this, but I go to (insert name of school) too!
YOU: Yeah! This is kind of CRAZY! Gosh, such a coincidence. Do you live in the area?
YOU: That's amazing! I live here too! Do you know any other students from (insert name of school) who live in the area? If so, we should definitely get together.

Voila! You have a new friend. You've developed some common ground, expressed interest in something they do (people love that emotional connection crap)--and made plans to get together in the future! Now, if you follow the script carefully, you really can't go wrong. Trust me. I don't just give you this advice without testing it! I use step 1. all the time! I use it when coming out of my dining hall, walking across campus, studying in the library, going to the bathroom! It's tremendously versatile! THIS STUFF REALLY WORKS! For more tips on getting to know people, read on to steps 2-5.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Step 1. only works for people living on college campuses.

2. Repeat step 1.
3."                     "
4. Poke people! This friendly act is no longer reserved solely for facebook!
5. Finally, if you're a naturally likable, good-looking and funny person, BE YOURSELF!

With this system, making friends doesn't have to be overwhelming! Let me reiterate something: THIS STUFF WORKS! It is FAIL-SAFE (a term which commonly refers to something that is guaranteed to work). Good luck! Though, in all honesty, you really don't need any. If you follow this plan you will have friends coming out of your ears!!!
 This could be you!
I can say this because I'm taking a psychology class.