Moving. . . Somewhere? Ask 5.

Dear Five Sisters,

My husband and I are at a crossroads and can choose between A) moving to a place with a stable job in the middle of the desert and B) moving to another continent with nothing but our love, good intentions and entrepreneurial spirit.

In your experience(s), when is the time to make the Smart Choice (and please your in-laws)  and when is the time to make the Awesome Choice on the road less traveled?

Five awesome answers after the jump!

Capital bound on a budget? Ask 5.

Q: On Saturday, I board the Empire Builder in Seattle and, for 46 hours, get to bumble about on a train until I reach Washington D.C. on Tuesday. I have six days (and a limited budget) to saturate myself with this village. Any suggestions on what to do with a day? I don't plan on eating out (lentils, onions, and rice for dayz), but if I were to, are there any places that would be worth throwing dollars at (or nicely handing the dollars to the folks)? Favourite tree?

As:

Cruel Couture? Ask Five.

Q: Several years ago, my mother bought me a winter coat with a detachable faux fur collar. I loved the coat, and wore it out until it became threadbare (I wore it mostly without the collar, as it wasn't very comfortable). As I was about to let it go, I looked at its fabric content. Much to my surprise, the collar was not made of faux fur. In fact, it was a full fledged fur. 

*Dog* fur.

I'm a bit horrified, but not sure what to do. I mean, from a sustainability perspective, I guess dogs are in a similar boat as cows. That said, I have a sweet puppy of my own who I love dearly and, well, the collar matches her coat far too closely for me not to see her on a belt buckle when I look at the collar . . .

So here is my conundrum. What should I do with the fur? I don't want to be near it, but tossing it doesn't feel right, either. I'd appreciate your advice!

Thanks,

Con-fur-icted

As:

Olid Office-Mate? Ask Five.

Q: Dear Five,

A new graduate student recently moved in to one of the desks in our office.  Our international friend brought with him a very pronounced perfume of body odor.  Our shared office of about 15 people has no windows (and no escape!) allowing the delightful fragrance to stew in the room until it has a knockout stench more effective than a tent full of sweaty soldiers in basic training.  Every culture has a different way of doing things and diversity makes the world exciting, but I think we got the whole regular showering and use of deodorant thing right.  We have thought about spraying him with air freshener consistently throughout the day, but decided that might not be the best course of action.  I would like to avoid donning a gas mask every time I step into the chamber...what do we do about the stinky kid?!

One (Hopeful Failure): I've tried to address a startlingly similar issue with literally no success whatsoever. This leads me to believe you have only one fail-safe option: Quit. Sorry, but that's the way it is. 

That said, if you want to explore less drastic approaches, you could write up a list of "Lab Rules and Protocol" on some official-looking paper. Include other over-reaching, personal but quasi-believable stuff like where people need to store their coats and bags, a definition of an appropriate haircut, and what type of footwear is appropriate in the lab. Make it long enough that it doesn't seem like the shower/deoderant clause is weird, but short enough that it gets noticed, and end it with something vaguely threatening like "failure to comply will result in disciplinary action." Post it on the bullentin board and enlist your fellow sufferers to a) very noticeably alter behavior to comply with at least one of the weird demands, and b) complain often and bitterly about how inappropriate it is that "they" are trying to control your lives. If your smelly colleague doesn't fall in line and suds up, start having hushed conversations about what happened to a "friend" in another lab who was caught unshowered and wearing flip-flops by The Man. Make it graphic.

P.S. Just a warning -- you may want to include a "no perfume or cologne" clause in your list of rules -- I'd hate to see you trade one horriffic, overpowering odor for another!

Two (Smells like Sunshine): I would invest in a number of sample size deodorants.  One day, come in and tell your colleagues a friend of yours is doing a survey about the effectiveness of the product (If you want to use this, as of now, I am testing the effectiveness of whatever deodorant you want to use for your experiment) and you brought some samples so they could all test it.  No hurt feeling and since as of now I am conducting this experiment, it's not a lie.  Good luck!

Three (try, try again!): Hello lovely reader. I'm not sure if you know this but as five sisters with five brothers, we fall into the unlikely category of highly experienced in dealing with this issue, yet our success in acheiving results is rather abismal. (Exhibit A, any of our brothers from ages 11-15).  So I'm going to go with a list of things I have never tried before, just so you're starting with fresh meat.

• Candles--heavily scented, of course. Kill two birds with one stone, by taking care of your odiferous buddy, and turing the office into a romantic cave for entertaining the ladies.
• Go on a febreze rampage a few times a day. Yeah you'll seem crazy, but everyone will be grateful.
• Take him to play basketball, then encourage him to shower, and while you're in there give him instructions in proper hygiene. After you've bonded over ideal scrubbing techniques casually toss him the extra stick of new extra strength deodorant you've stowed in your bag and say "My girlfriend loves how that smells, it drives the ladies crazy!" (WARNING: This could be interpreted as sexual harassment. Just sayin...)
• Also, just. keep. watching. these.

Four (Empathetic): Well, I don't think you can say anything. But do you, perchance, have an advisor who could help with this conundrum? Do you think you could get said advisor to mandate that all grad students shower and wear a particular clinical-strength deodorant before entering the office (for scientific reasons, of course). If it's too challenging to get your advisor involved, you could say you're doing an experiment for a certain deodorant company looking to expand its reach to include men. Buy a big pack of clinical strength deodorant, give everyone in your office some jingle bells and whenever anyone moves, force them to put on a new coat of deodorant. By including everyone, you diffuse the blame. MMmmm...Yeah. I that should work.

Five (Occasionally Smells Alright): I've found that discretion is the key in these types of situations. The following are all excellent ways to communicate what you're feeling to the fragrant fellow, without actually saying anything:

• Make really, really unhappy faces whenever you're around him (like this)
• Hook some of those dangly car air-fresheners from his ears or glasses
• Speak loudly of how you shun people when they smell terrible
• Shun him
• Hold your breath for as long as you can, and then run to the nearest window or outside door before inhaling again
• Burn incense at his desk
• Make a Wall of Shame with only his picture on it
• Tell him he stinks*
• Give him this stuff for his birthday

. . . I have more. If you need them, I'll post them in the comments.

*This suggestion does involve actually saying what you feel

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com

Bleeding Ears? Ask 5.

Q(s): I like to consider myself an easy going person (I may not be, but I like to consider myself one). However, I've come to believe that the treble bleed from low quality headphones at high volumes matches the natural harmonics of my adrenal glands. Not unlike other victims of acoustic resonance, when exposed to the relevant sounds I find myself being driven towards catastrophic collapse. Even amidst the din and tussle of the DC metro, the mind-numbing, joy-sapping, eye-scratching pings emanating from my fellow riders' heads somehow overwhelm all other sounds and once I've picked up on it, no matter what I do, I can't drown it out. I can only imagine the irreparable harm these miscreants cause to their own cochleae, but I'm candidly far more concerned about the emotional and psychological harm they're causing me. Typically I either bear my (minor) agony in silence or I politely ask people to turn down their volume. More often than not, when I pursue the latter course I'm met with disdainful glares and explanations that they're wearing headphones.  I'd appreciate your collective wisdom on the subject. Or, to put it differently, is it OK for me to break strangers' iPods and run away?

A(s):

One (Pragmatist): Just yesterday, at Safeway, I pointed out to the shoppers in front of me that they were standing in a 15-items-or-less express lane with a cart that looked destined to feed Thanksgiving dinner to an entire team of linebackers. I usually like to avoid conflict with strangers. But I had to pee, and when you get between an 8-and-a-half month pregnant lady and her bathroom break, interesting things happen. I share this story to prove that I'm not total pushover when it comes to thoughtless strangers. That said, I think your problem has a very easy, conflict-free solution: get your own headphones. Listen to music you like, or an engrossing podcast (This American Life and New Yorker Fiction are some of my personal favorites). You'll arrive at your destination enlightened and upbeat. Just make sure you don't turn the volume up too loud. That would be rude...

Two (Professional Noise Maker): Two recommendations.  1. Get your own ear phones and listen to podcasts of something you enjoy or 2. Smile, tap the person on the shoulder and say "I know this seems annoying, but would you mind turning down the volume?"  They may say no, but if you're nice enough (and if they are too) you just might save their hearing.

Three (Hooligan): I'm going to start with a tid-bit from the news. Last summer in DC there was a string of iPhone thefts on the metro. No one ever got caught. I share this story because I feel it ought to offer you a little perspective. Why break their electronics, when you could just as easily turn this noisy situation into a business opportunity!

So what I propose is that you just jump on that band wagon and steal the darn things. It'll take some thought, and timing--not to mention a general disregard for the law--and it won't solve your issue in the short-term, BUT if you're playing the long game this is DEFINITELY the way 2 go. Here's the plan. As you near your stop, cozy up to the offending party, but DO NOT let them get a good look at your face. As the doors open, swipe their player of choice and RUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!! Then, sell the goods on ebay, and use the money to buy yourself noise-cancelingblablabla...

In closing, I should rule the world. 

Four (Resident Bard): I believe in the power of bribery. Let me explain: buy some candy--maybe two types (chocolate and fruity). Bring it with you every morning. Whenever you encounter anyone whose choice of headphones offends you, offer them a choice. You sound like the type of person who might become paralyzed by fear in the heat of the moment, so just stick with this script: 

"Hey little fellow, 
I don't mean to bellow, 
but that sound's a gettin' on my nerves. 
I'll give you two choices, 
let's lower our voices,
and see if we can't find--ok, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Turn your music down, buddy. Also, here's some candy--fruity or chocolate?" 

I'm pretty sure that should work.

Five (Bleeds, Much Like Earphones): In my opinion, there are two optimal ways to conquer this aural irritant:

Solution: Pack a pair of baby scissors in your back pocket before you leave for work each morning. As you enter the subway car, acquire your target: Grievous Noise Polluter. Sidle on up next to Grievous Noise Polluter, and -- as he or she is obliviously nodding away to their obtrusive tunes -- unsheathe your weapon and snip! Earbuds no more! Melt back into the commuter crowd and bask in the sense of fulfillment that follows single-handedly liberating an entire train from the t/ear/anny (PUN!) of one poorly regulated iPod. Like Batman.*

Other Solution: Noise cancelling headphones.

* Some may worry about fallout from cutting a stranger's earbuds and rendering them unusable; in my experience, it's the skinny, sensitive types who blast their gravelly voiced crooners into public noise space, so I wouldn't fret too much about violent reprisals.

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com

Stylish? Ask 5.

Q [Part 1]: I like to think of myself as a stylish guy -- I think about what I wear and I've been known to put a bit of gel in my hair. I'm also a little shy around girls (meaning I very rarely (never) go throw-her-over-my-shoulder-and-take-her-back-to-my-cave macho), but I'm definitely interested in them. In high school, everyone got that I was into both style and the opposite sex, but I recently started college, and I'm not sure that message has gotten across. To come right out with it, I keep on getting hit on by other men. The attention is nice(?), but I really wish it was from a different source. You guys seem like a good source of friendly/anonymous advice, and I was wondering if you had any ideas how I can show both my style and sexual orientation at my new school.

Q [Part 2] (sent two minutes after Q [Part 1]...): Sorry, I should have sent this with the first email, but I just really want a girl's perspective on when she thinks a boy is gay. I guess that's what I was trying to say.

A [Parts One, Two, Three, Four & Five]

One (The Hunted): College is a great time to move out of your comfort zone. If you're really interested in dating (girls), then I say release your inner, well-dressed caveman. Mr. One isn't the chest-thumping type, either, and I'm glad for that. Back in college, and then in the many years we dated on-and-off since, he was always the utterly charming, terribly polite, consummate gentleman that he is. At the same time, he left absolutely no room for confusion about what he wanted out of our relationship. I -- and I dare say most girls -- love to be pursued. And he was a very good hunter. I'm not suggesting you change who you are. But if there is someone you find really compelling, then compel yourself to win her heart. And if there isn't anyone in particular, I don't think there's any harm in keeping folks guessing. It makes you mysterious. And mysterious is basically a synonym for sexy. (I learned that in college...)

Two (Totally Clueless): Make sure your facebook status says that you are interested in women.  If people have a question about it, they can just look.  If you're interested in anyone, casually ask them out for ice cream, hot chocolate or bubble tea.  You don't have to spend a lot of money but you should pay for her drink or dessert or whatever.  They'll be flattered (especially if you are well groomed) and if you get the door and act like a gentleman, they will just assume you are a rare, modern example of chivalry.  If she insists on paying, tell her she can next time.  Finally, if you receive undesired attention, don't be offended.  I think my husband, brothers and brother-in-law have all been subjects of boy crushes.  It is no assault on your manliness.  On the contrary. You probably are just kind of hot. Just tell them you're straight, but thanks for the compliment... then go find the nicest girl in the room and ask her if you can buy her an ice cream cone.

Three (Overly Confidant): Fear not! Thou well dressed freshman! In this world there are indeed girls who like a well dressed fella. "How can she state this with such authority!" you ask? Because, my friend, I used to be one of those girls. I dated boys who were sweet, sensitive guys, who knew a lot about music and were seriously aware of what they wore.

So that's the good news, there are girls out there for you, and I also believe that the way men dress is appreciated more as they age. So while your heart may pine for the ladies rushing off with those rough and tumble dudes now, in 5 years they'll appreciate that you don't look like a slob.

For now take advantage of your access to chicks. Gay guys have a much easier time being accepted into the inner circles of lady-dom. So get there, and then talk about your ex-GIRLFRIEND, how you have a crush on Sloan from Entourage, and how girls have an easier time getting dates than boys do. DO NOT talk about A) what designer you're wearing, B) how much your jeans cost, C) how much you luuurv Beyonce, D) actually, don't use the word "love" too much in general, also avoid "fabulous," "tots gorge,"and "OMG." Finally, it's quite manly to say "adios" instead of saying goodbye. That's what Dr. P does, and it's dreamy.

Four (Clued in): I go to a school where there are a lot of boys who like boys. Because I normally have a really hard time discerning when boys are gay, I've kind of just started assuming they're gay unless proven otherwise....
Here are a few things that help me to puzzle the question out:

1. If you're regularly much better dressed and groomed than I am, I'm going to wonder...Don't get me wrong, I really like it when a boy is well dressed, but there comes a point when it's obvious that they're spending a lot of time on their toilette. Significantly more time than I am, and--for me--that's off-putting. I don't want to date a boy who thinks they're prettier than I am. 
2. If you don't show any interest in me whatsoever, I'm probably going to wonder...
3. If you wear a fedora, I'm going to think you're gay--or an idiot (animal prints, intricately tied scarves, and exceptionally tight pants can be added to this list).
4. If you wear baseball caps, I'm going to assume you're straight.
5. If you make an effort to get to know me for no apparent reason, I'm going to assume you're probably straight.

As I've mentioned before, I'm really bad about going out of my way to get to know people--this includes boys. So, if you want to get to know girls, you're going to have to put in some effort. I know it might sound excruciating, but just start talking. Don't be creepy, just remark on something in your immediate surroundings that you two can laugh/commiserate/talk about. If you're sweet, charming--and don't start talking about project runway, they'll probably get the message.   


Five (Probably Confused): As a chick currently attending the self-proclaimed 'Gay Ivy', who's statistics on male sexual orientation have spawned the catchphrase, '1 in 4, maybe more', I have some experience with this problem. As far as when girls think a boy is gay, I think that openly exhibiting romantic attraction to other men is a pretty good indicator. This includes public man-on-man hand-holding, cheek kissing, mouth kissing, and face licking -- the jury's still out on groping. If you're a straight man who has been doing any of these things, STOP! When girls see you, they'll just assume that you don't swing their way, and leave you and your bro to your PDA (Platonic Display of Affection).

Beyond that, it can go either way. How I view it, boys sit on a sliding scale-- I've already mentioned one side, and on the other lies guys that I know aren't gay (mostly due to excessive and lingering shoulder pats). Everyone else sits somewhere in the middle. And it's not bad to be in the middle, it just means that you when you decide to pursue a lady (don't expect it to go the other way around), she'll know she's special to you-- and also that no, you aren't gay.

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com

Teenagers? Ask 5.

Q: I've just been called as the leader of the girl's youth group at my church and I've swung from initial buzziness to packing for a foreign hideout destination. I was in a youth group for less than a year and can't remember too much of it so I could use some ideas for activities to get them excited and coming up with their own ideas for things they would like to do. Can you 5 remember a great activity - what was it and how did it make you feel? How did you change because of it? What really made it special? Thanks!

A:

One (Pretty Dang Old): Honestly, I don't remember one particular activity. I certainly did lots of stuff - crafts and service and game nights and slumber parties - but all these years later, it's kind of a blur. What stands out very clearly in my quasi-geriatric mind, much more than anything we did, is how some of my adult leaders made me feel.  They made me feel *special* (and I use that word very advisedly).  When I look back and realize how those women were juggling their own jobs/kids/husbands/households/lives, and I remember how they used to go to girls camp eight months pregnant, or pick me up even though I wasn't even remotely on the way, or would stay super-late after activities just to talk (maybe because my parents kinda forgot to come get me), I am in awe.  I'm sure I didn't express my gratitude at the time, but I am deeply grateful now for the love and sacrifice.  Honestly, whatever you do, the kids will probably seem ungrateful, so I would say keep it simple and fun, and make lots of time to talk casually about things that really matter.  

Two (Teenagers Hate Me): I just went to a clothing swap in NYC.  It was great fun even though I didn't pick anything out for myself.  I also like crafts.  Check out the good life for some crafting ideas.  This woman transforms clothes from drab to fab and skanky to swanky.  Service is also wonderful and some of my favorite activities were when we would go and visit the mentally ill, the elderly, the sick or serve children in the community. 

Three (Hated Being a Teenager): Out of the five of us I'm the closest thing you'll get to the average teenager, so listen close.  Teenagers exist in the thin margin that separates children from adults.  They are stupid and rash and moody as heck.  Because they are figuring out who they want to be--not to mention who they are now--and that's a scary question. (Can you tell I was angsty?)  SO, with that in mind, I would suggest doing things that will help them answer such questions.  Have a literature night where they each talk about their favorite book.  Talk to them about their tastes in music or public media, and when they say things that shock you--because they probably will--try not judge.  Speaking of judging, I think that is the most important take away I have for you, the girls won't want to be there if they feel like you're overly critical of them. It can be painful to see people you care about screwing up their nubile lives.  And there will be times you'll want to hold their rouged cheeks in you hands and scream into those heavily lined-eyes until they "get it."  But refrain.  Show them love, and they will love you.  Because little Becky won't remember that you took her skating or taught her to cross-stitch, all she'll carry with her is the memory of how you made her feel.

Four (Never Really Was a Teenager): For the most part, my leaders really tried. They put a lot of effort into planning special activities, and, to be honest, I didn't appreciate them enough. (And I was a really good kid!). I would advise you to ask the girls in your group what they want to do. Our gang would have brainstorming sessions about 4X a year. Each girl was given a pack of sticky notes, a pen and 10 minutes to write down different ideas for activities. Some of the ideas were more realistic than others (e.g. learning to swing dance vs. learning to breed ligers), but everyone's ideas were taken into account--and all of the girls felt included and valued.... Or at least I did, and the others should have :) My favorite activities were service oriented. For example, after Hurricane Katrina, we put together hundreds of hygiene packs to send to the areas impacted by the storm. Each girl donated what she could (soap, toothbrushes, towels, etc.) and then we went door to door asking our neighbors to contribute. It was wonderful. Everyone was incredibly generous and it got us all involved in something really worthwhile. I also enjoyed our ice skating trips, sewing tutorials, cook-offs, and caroling trips to nursing homes. They're going to love you. And if they don't, remember this: they're stupid teenagers.  

Five (Hates Teenagers): Make them do manual labor. Either that or latchhook. Whatever you do, don't let them interact with young men. They'll ask, then beg, and then shamelessly manipulate, but DO NOT CAVE.

P.S. I'm actually still a participant of my youth group and I'm not giving enough credit to my current leaders, who do a pretty super job. My advice above still stands, but they would probably say to take advantage of promotional opportunities (i.e. first week of hot yoga FREE!), make your primary focus service, and to not stress out about your new duties too much. At worst, you'll badly influence these girls at a crucial point in their development and they'll go into a tailspin which they may or may not recover from, and may ultimately result in a homicidal rampage at a petting zoo. But a less than mind-blowing activity every few weeks probably won't do that.

Wanna Go Out? Ask 5.

Q: I know a really nice, handsome, smart, (single!) guy. We're good friends, but I really, really like him. I'm a little in love (and have been for awhile). I think he likes me too, and mutual acquaintances agree. My problem is this: he hasn't asked me out, and I'm starting to get impatient. Would it be a turn-off if I do the asking? I know that some forward thinking, non-lesbian feminists have OKed it, but is it really appropriate for the lady to make the first move? Will it make me look desperate?

The ladies of FIVE felt sadly unequipped to answer this question, seeing that they, too, have repeatedly pondered this perplexing puzzlement without resolution. They have consequently entrusted this week's Ask 5 to a quintet of knowledgeable parties. Namely: men.

Mr. One (Republican): I really shouldn't answer on the grounds that my traditionalist notions will incriminate me.  I can say, however, that, particularly in matters romantical, One (my better half) is a master at hinting rather than asking.  Such intimation is a skill at which the fairer sex enjoys a considerable comparative advantage, stereotypically speaking.  That said, most males (extrapolating from myself) are pretty tin-eared when it comes to absorbing and responding to hints, so if you actually want your message to get through, your intimations might need to involve neon lights, painfully obvious puns, or groping.

The Future Mr. Two (Better Late?): Like most men, I was never particularly good at picking up on signals.  To this day, it is still not my strength, but it has taken me many years to learn to think like a woman.  

For example, a woman may mention to a man that she likes a certain type of flower or restaurant or piece of jewelry and then may repeat that statement several times over the course of weeks or months.  To men, this may seem to be just a casual observation of a particular aesthetic or taste.  But NO!  A woman would never say something like this lightly.  What she really means is, "I like that flower [or restaurant or piece of jewelry], and if you're worth anything, you should buy it for me".  

We often wish for things to be S-P-E-L-L-E-D  O-U-T.  

However, in spite of our protestations, men are often attracted to a woman's complexity.

My advice - respond to him, drop hints when possible, but keep it discreet.  If all else fails, smack him across the face and tell him you like him.

Dr. P. (Chief Love Physician): Many nice, handsome, smart & single (or, you know, formerly single, but now in a long term relationship with a blogger...) guys perpetually exist in the dreaded "friend zone" with girls and don't know how to escape. He might really like you but assumes that you are 1) too good for him, 2) not interested, 3) Completely unaware of his affection for you.  Also he might never have asked a girl out before.  Nice & smart, does not a Romeo make.  So if you're pretty sure that you aren't reading too much into the situation and have existed in this friend vs. love-interest disequilibrium for at least 2 months, then I'd say go for it!  Both of you are likely to breathe a sigh of relief and it will give you the freedom to take off from there. Also later on in the relationship, when handsome & smart never has time to spend with family and friends, can rarely take you on dates, has no money and poor immediate job prospects, please constantly remind yourself how nice, handsome and smart he is...

Astroboy (5's Resident Don Juan): The dating world can be rough for a guy.  Tradition and social norms have put most of the pressure on him.  The embarrassment of rejection can be absolutely terrifying, especially with the added stakes of damaging a great friendship.  While not absolving the guy of his responsibilities completely, I find it can be refreshing and very flattering when a girl makes the first move.  Not only is it a huge confidence booster, but it saves us the uncomfortable experience of the 30-45 min where we try to practice what to say with our thumb hovering over the dial button to ask the girl out.  I wouldn't worry about coming off as desperate (unless you showed up at his house with a marching band and a plane towing a banner, that might be a little much).  Overall, I think he would be flattered that such a great girl liked him enough to make a move herself.  He'll feel wanted instead of always trying to convince the girl he's worth a shot.  If asking him out on a straightforward date seems a little bold, try an indirect approach.  You could ask him to help you with a project around the house (rearrange some furniture, some simple handyman repairs, teach you how to do some simple maintenance on your car, etc) and make him dinner afterwards as a thank you.  Even though you are technically making the first move, the project gives you a perfect excuse and he'll feel manly helping out pretty a girl.  This will give you some quality alone time together and an opportunity for some playful flirting.  Don't be afraid to be what you may think is a little obvious. We can be pretty thickheaded sometimes and too worried about impressing the girl to pick up on her subtle signals.  If he doesn't figure it out and beat you to it, let him know that you had fun and would like to do something together again.

Brother Z (Fourteen Years Old): Basically, guys are pretty nice. If a girl came up and asked me out, I would say yes, even if she was not "all that". Worse case scenario -- you take her on a cheap first date and don't call her back. Nobody likes being rejected. it really sucks. If you're worried about being told off, try coming onto him a little stronger, like grab his tush as you walk by or comment lewdly on his appearance and stare at his junk. Mmm, if that doesn't work...He's probably more interested in me than you. On a slightly less flippant note, if a guy is mean enough to not even take you on a first date (circumstances permitting), he is probably a putz. If it doesn't work out, I'm single and tall for my age.

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

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Graduating? Ask 5.

Q: I graduate from college in roughly 3 weeks with no marketable skills.  I'm giving myself 2 years and two-thousand dollars to get my life on track.  If you were in a similar situation what would you do?

One (Been There!): Do what I did in a similar situation...  go to grad school!!  Of course, being not at all practical, I wrote a thesis about 19th century Lithuanian-American Socialist fiction.  Which probably did absolutely nothing to further my eventual (relatively short-lived) career in corporate America. Come to think of it, maybe you should listen to my sisters on this one.  Or Mr. One.... 

Two (Bizarrely Employed): You want to be employable?  You've gotta show them you're worth it.  What do you care about?  Go volunteer at a museum, on a campaign, for your state party.  Get involved in your community.  Go to neighborhood meetings.  Get involved with a cause.  Ask your Congressman if you can come in and volunteer a few times a week.  Show others how committed you are and when something opens up, they'll want you.  It means you can't be half-hearted about it.  Throw yourself into whatever you decide to do and do a great job.  The more people you get to know and the more people you have the opportunity to serve, the more likely that they will see you as a valuable asset who they want on their team full time.


Three (Nike spokesperson?): Once upon a time *cough* two-years-ago *cough* I was in a very similar situation, and I'm gonna give you the parental "do as I say, not as I do" advice.  Get a job, any job, just do something, to stay engaged in the world around you, BUT use your free time wisely.  You say you don't have any marketable skills (a statement I highly doubt) use your free time to CHANGE that.  Don't be an observer in your own life, if you don't like who you are, or where you're going do something different.  Take a course in statistical analysis, and do some research.  Volunteer for a local organization that you believe in.  Are you crafty?  Start an Etsy shop!   But also savor this time.  Having a job is nice, but it also kind of sucks.  You are at a delicious point in life where people won't judge you (too much) for just figuring out who you are, and who you want to be. So, I guess the Cliff notes version is: Just do it, in moderation of course. 


Four (Totally useless): 
Err. My answers are very personalized, meaning: I'll tell you exactly what I plan on doing in two years when I get to a similar place. I will either a) serve a mission for my church, or b) apply to a bunch of joint JD/MPH programs. Yeah. That's probably not helpful. at. all. But that's why you read this blog, right?
You could also pursue a career as a pharmaceutical sales rep--I hear it's very lucrative (please don't kill me, Two)....


Five (Intended Philosophy Major): Dude, I'm paying as close of attention to these answers as you are.

Wedding Woes? Ask 5.

Q: I'm getting married--this is not my problem, but it is the source from which my dilemma springs.  You see, we are planning to have a small ceremony with only close friends and family, and like many brides to be I am being hounded pursued by casual acquaintances well wishers seeking an invitation.  The truth is that I would love to invite them all, but I'm limited by the size of my venue.  I originally sought to combat this situation by planning a pig roast on the eve on my wedding to which any and all are invited, but now I'm second guessing my choice of date for the roast, and the invitations have already been printed.  What do you think is the best way to invite these nut jobs colleagues to the one without making them feel excluded from the other?

A:

One (Wedding Survivor):  Here's the thing about weddings: They're actually a lot more like real life than those in the middle of them (i.e., YOU) realize.  This may well be the most beautiful/important/emotional day of your life, but that same level of passion doesn't translate to the entire guest list.  I think you already have a really great plan.  It sounds fun, and just for the record, way more inclusive than most.  Let go of the guilt, do what feels right, and then commit yourself to fully enjoying every minute.  Remember, you can never make everyone happy -- so make sure that you and your Love are on cloud nine.  Everyone else can work through their issues in therapy. 

Two (Thinks about this stuff all the time lately...): How much did you spend on the invitations?  If you spent a lot, stop second guessing yourself.  It is really nice to include people in your happiness as long as it doesn't create too much residual stress.  Your friends will be happy that you thought of them and wanted to include them in some way.  If they are your friends, they should also understand that you are not loaded and probably not in charge of your guest list or wedding.  let them know that his is your piece of the wedding and that you want them to be included in it. 

Three (Salivator):  Your apprehensions around inviting people to only the pig roast should stop by the time you say the words "PIG ROAST." I'm vegetarian and that still sounds awesome.  No one in their right mind is going to think "I'm only invited to the pig roast, boo-hoo, poor me."  And if they do think that, that's their problem not yours.

Four (Selfish): Call me old fashioned (or selfish, or crazy, or unreasonable), but, I have always believed that weddings are actually more about the marriage than the party--more about you and your fiancé making the commitment to spend your lives together, than the random guy at work who wants to participate (no matter how good or bad his intentions may be). So, I totally applaud your decision to have a small wedding. I think it will probably be absolutely wonderful to have only those you know and love best around during your wedding. I appreciate your efforts to have a party for everyone else, but agree that it may be unnecessarily stressful to hold the event the night before your wedding. Why not wait until after you get back from your honeymoon? It will be easier for you and--unless they're really crazy--I don't think anyone else will mind. at all. I guess it depends a little on how expensive your invitations were, but--I would say--for the sake of you and your nerves (and everyone who has to be around both of you during that wonderful but maddening time)--reprint. Or, if reprinting is just too expensive, send the BBQ invites via email. The thought of sending e-vites may make you cringe, but people do it all the time, and BBQ's are usually super casual anyway, so I don't think anyone will judge you too much :)  Whatever you decide to do, CONGRATULATIONS! (and, I'll hate you forever if I don't get an invitation to that BBQ...what's it to me that I've never met you before?) And by BBQ I definitely meant pig roast. Yeah.

Five (Unempathetic): From extensive participation in small weddings and their consolation celebrations, I've learned that the best way to invite people to one, but not the other, is simply this:

             Invite them to one, but not the other.

If they even notice, people should have thick enough skins to realize that they aren't the most important thing to you on your wedding day. If they decide to take umbrage, you can write them off as pissy haters, therefore nullifying any guilt which you may feel. Also, do a tree a favor and send out your already printed invites. . . or just 'reprint' them with a handy dandy Sharpie (it's what I'd do)!

Escalator Hogs? Ask 5.

Q: I love living in DC. I heart the public transit system despite its many problems. However, I can't stand those people (*cough* tourists*cough*) who block the escalator by taking up both sides or standing out-of-sync with the rest of standers. I've experienced this many times as I was rushing to get to classes. What should I do? Tap? Yell? I mean, I'd hate to bother anyone, but it is annoying. Please help!!

A:

One (Certified Public Transport Ninja (emeritus)): I vote for a quick "excuse me," loud enough that it can't be missed, cheerful enough that the idiot in question won't form a lifelong negative opinion of the Urban Elite.  As someone who has probably been on both sides of the proverbial escalator, I encourage extra kindness and patience if the human roadblock is encumbered with one or more screaming children.  

And now for a little inside the beltway jargon: If this is more than a passing annoyance to you, I suggest you take up a cause I've LONG thought wise, but lack the energy to effectively push through the system:  I propose that D.C. prorate subway tarrifs to benefit local commuters and ease congestion by charging a punative premium for use of a paper card during rush hour.  You can't tell me the army of SmartCard commuters wouldn't line up to vote for a measure like that, it might actually make the city money, and no self-respecting vacationer should be out and about before 9 anyway, right...? 

Two (Immovable): I speak for the lowly slow poke, the seemingly deaf, the one who has more bags that she knows what to do with, the hot mess.  Yes, as you charge ahead, I block your way, inadvertently or knowingly.  So, to protect myself and my ever so delicate feelings, I recommend the following:  A friendly, "excuse me" and if that doesn't work, a tap on the shoulder accompanied by a a smile and excuse me once more. 

Three (Commuting Commentator): In honor of this question, I decided to perform a very little social experiment.  I decided not to be sheepish.  I yelled "excuse me!!" and "stand to the right!" to the masses that happened to huddle on the left side of the escalator.  And you know what, even though you know you're doing the right thing, and you're really not being unreasonable at all, folks still make you feel like a B*!<#.  The worst part is that those "folks" include the locals who are clearly just as frustrated as you are, but lack the cojones to ask people to step aside.  Take what you will from this, but I have decided to carry a Barbie doll with me at all times, which I will then throw ahead a few steps and exclaim "my baby!" (scoot forward, gather doll, repeat).  

Four (Right Defender): I don't think saying "excuse me" constitutes as bothering anyone. In my opinion, it's the easiest--and least offensive--way to let those who are blocking your path know that you'd like to get by. If it doesn't seem to work, you can always utilize a nice full body check (I learned how to do them in my ice skating days and would be honored to give you a tutorial), but I guess that only works if you're bigger than the perps....

Five (Elev-/Alig-/Escal-atorphobe): I have a lot of ideas for this one:

• If the offenders are the innocent, wide-eyed tourists you speak of, a robust posterior-grope should shock them into the other lane of escalator traffic. Probably even a playful butt-tickle would be enough.
• If you don't like touching people, you could make official looking laminated signs that say "STANDING RIDERS TO THE RIGHT" (mock-up below) and post it on your most frequented escalators. Just be sure that they're laminated. People don't screw with laminate.
• Rarely do you have the problem of immovable people (or fatal caught-sweater incidents) on the stairs. Take them.

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com

Friends, or Friendlier? Ask 5.

Q: So, I like this girl a lot and we have known each other for a long time. Recently we've gotten pretty close and I think she is starting to like me too, but I am not sure :( 

Here are the details:
We spend about every minute we have the chance to together.
She bumps into me a lot when we walk.
When we aren't talking she just stares at my eyes and always says they are the prettiest ones she has ever seen.

I really don't want our friendship to end, but if she wants to take it farther I wanna know. Please help?!

A=5

One (As Channeled through Five and Two): Um. . .                                  . . . we're trying, but it's not working. COME HOME ONE! We will say that One and Mr. One took their sweet time making any major moves. They went from friends to special friends to not friends at all several times, and now they're married, madly in love, with two kids. So take heart if it doesn't work out this time. If it's meant to be, you probably have a few years to figure it out.

Two (The Prude Who Exudes): So... I am wondering how old you are.  You can say I don't have a life -- you might be a little right -- but I'm not big into teenage romances.  Though One met her husband when she was 17 -- they didn't get married for eight years.  Now that I have that out of the way, here's my advice:  I don't know about other girls, but I am a little complicated.  Even if I like a boy, if he moves too fast I feel suffocated and all I want to do is get out.  Even if he doesn't, sometimes I feel that way.  So I would say if you're of a reasonable age, start small and try to hold her hand.  I know, I sound like I am five years old, but holding hands can be really nice. If she doesn't want to hold your hand, then it won't be too awkward to go back to being friends, as opposed to if you try to plant a big, juicy one on her... Yeah... that could be... awkward.... 

Three (Expert on These Things):  It sounds like she likes you, but if you're looking for a more definite signal I would recommend using my "Lady-love Litmus Test." Guaranteed to be 100% accurate with the smallest chance of ruining an existing friendship.  All you have to do is follow these 5 simple steps and you will know fo sho if she be diggin on you. 

• Invite her to participate in a mundane activity (the bait).  It is important that the bait is something you would normally do together (no dinner at the Ritz, yes coffee, movie, going to the park, etc.)
• Gauge her response. If she seems normal, or happy proceed to the next step. On the other hand if she acts weird and questions you ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! (note, this should not happen if you picked the activity according to my parameters.) 
• Once she's agreed to accompany you, casually throw in the words "so it's a date (the switch)." Those 4 words set off an extremely complex chain reaction in any lady mind, and the final product is a reading on her romantic intentions. 
• This is the most vital step of the test, so read thoroughly and  be sure you understand before proceeding.  There will be a reaction to the switch. No matter what this reaction is you must stare at her blankly. No smiles, grimaces, looking away AND/OR crying.  Just stare at her and pretend she's discussing string thoery.
• Follow Through with the bait and see how she behaves.  Is she dressed up?  Did she let you pay?  Does she seem nervous?  If the answer to two or more of these is YES, then seal the deal and go in for the hand hold.

And that, my friend, is how it's done. 

Four (Space Romancer): My answer depends a little on how old you are. But, if you are indeed old enough to fly on airplanes alone, congrats! Listen up. First things first, I commend you for taking your friendship seriously and not wanting to jeopardize it. From the things you've shared, it sounds like this girl likes you. Nevertheless, proceed with caution. It's really easy to see what we want to see. I've had people perceive my friendliness as much more--which is always a little uncomfortable. If you follow these steps, you should be able to circumvent that awkwardness.

1. Do you have any mutual friends? I know it sounds a little middle school, but friends are great intermediaries. Try to get one of yours to ascertain her feelings about you.
2. If the feedback is positive, ask her to do something with you. If you don't have any mutual friends, skip step one, but be careful. Make sure the invitation is casual. It has to be casual because (a) you don't want to scare her away, and (b) you want to give her an easy out. 
3. A lot of girls just will not make the first move, so you should. If she recoils when you try to hold her hand or gets tense when you put your arm around her shoulder, she probably isn't into you. However, if she seems comfortable, let things progress at a natural pace. If there's a mutual attraction, things should just fall into place.

Five (Passion Calculator): This all sounds très romantic, but I understand not wanted to screw up being ffs (I hope that the exclusion of 'b'was appropriate). I would turn to casual observance for elucidation of whether you should get comfortable being 'friends', or if this young lady wants you to graduate to 'special friends'.

Things to observe: 
Is the time you're spending together in large groups?
Does she routinely have difficulty walking straight (perhaps due to vertigo, or uneven legs)?
Do you have the prettiest eyes in your geographic area/circle of friends?

If the answer to >1 question is no, I'd say that there's a pot of love a-bubbling between you two! Profess your burning desire to take her out to a movie and face-kiss together afterwards.

. . . but maybe not in those words.

Have a question? ASK FIVE. You'll have a 1 in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com

Ask Five: Of Dungeons and Dishes

Q: So my roommate -- where do I begin -- I liked her, until we were moved in together. She never cleans up after herself, and worst of all, she never does the dishes. I am not alright with a sink full of gross dishes piling up, and I am not really alright doing all the dishes, all the time. But in the interest of peace, I do them. This is making me increasingly angry and I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't want my house to smell like death. On the other hand, I am sick of doing gross dishes that I never made.  I'm running out of hands. Help!?

AaAaA:
One (Doer of dishes): Sage advice from one is absent, due to her absence. From experience, I'll tell you she keeps doing the dishes or cleaning or laundry or whatever needs to be done for the sake of peace. Resentment builds up for a while, and then it doesn't bother her anymore. That's how you know she's a mom.

Two (Guilty as charged): As one who has been guilty of this sin herself, I would give you this advice: Make a new house rule that at the end of the day, dishes left undone will be left on the bed (or in they have their own bathroom, sink) of s/he who dirties them. Old habits die hard and sometimes, you have to do your part in helping the process along.*


*This method of punishment is never to be used against two or person(s) who might have taken the pseudonym "two," since two is immuno suppressed and since you love her too much to do anything like this to her. After all, she is your sister. A room mate is an entirely different issue.


Three (Roomie in Residence): Lady I feel your pain. I live in a house full of roommates, most of whom are quick to admit that I do the majority of the common space cleaning. I have yet to find a solution, but I think I'm getting close using the process of elimination. So here are some things I have personally tried that DO NOT work.

• chore charts
• designated dishes
  
• shaming them by bringing over friends and then saying loudly--while your roommate is right there--"look how disgusting all of those dishes are! I do them all the time, and it really gets on my nerves. Boy-oh-boy my roommate is a pig!"
• telling roommate (as you're scrubbing and he's making a sandwich), "man I'm sick of this, do you realize I'm just doing these dishes because they're driving me insane?" He says "yeah, that sucks. (sticks dirty knife in the sink and walks away noshing)"

Wow. That was cathartic. I think I'm going to post this on said roommates' Facebook walls, and suggest you do the same.

Four (Arbiter of Clean): This is a toughie.You have to weigh the importance of maintaining a pleasant dynamic against the necessity of keeping your apartment within health code. Unfortunately, it seems like the pleasant dynamic is already gone. So, how to inspire cleanliness? I share a bathroom with one of my sisters (who shall not be named, but isn't One, Two, or Three) and things can get kind of messy--really fast. Even though she contributes more to the mess than I do, in hopes of keeping things "fair", I clean it every other week and ask the nameless sister to clean it in the off weeks. I usually just remind her nicely and she's very happy to comply. You might try doing an every-other-day rule. Now, this works when your roomie is sweet and willing to accept responsibility. Things might be more challenging if she has less self knowledge. If this method fails, you might try soiling her clothing and seeing how she reacts to that.

Five (Washes Hands, Not Dishes): I myself would probably resort to a good old mexican standoff: I would refrain from any household upkeep, and see who breaks first (I can pretty much guarantee it would be her; I have an almost man-like threshold for extreme levels of disarray and putridity). However, if that's hard to stomach, tell the room fellow in question that if she doesn't plan on washing actual dishes, she's got to buy her own sustainably disposable flatware. You may even leave a set on her bed to send a not-so-subtle hint.

Have a question? ASK FIVE, and you'll have a one in 5 chance that 

someone will see it your way!

Just send your questions to:

fivetdsisters@gmail.com 

Middle School? Ask 5.

Q: I am in charge of 12 year old girls at my church and am always looking for words of wisdom for the little loves. (That sounded a little sarcastic, I'm afraid---I want you to know that we have a very solid mutual admiration society going here. I'm crazy about them!) My question is: If you could give any advice to your twelve-year-old selves, what would it be?

I think it would be good to get the perspective of girls your ages since it's probably not outside their imagination's ability to see themselves at your ages, whereas I'm afraid that I'm kind of getting up there...!

A5

One (Old Fogey): Ahhh. So much to say... Be kind. Practice your piano. Read good books. Be patient with others. Be patient with yourself. Your mom might be completely crazy and determined to destroy your life. But she's probably not. You really will be happier if you do the right thing. And it is *so* much easier to do the right thing if you're happy and confident about who you are. So try to figure out how you really enjoy spending your time and don't waste energy on stuff that feels vaguely lame, even if everyone else does. Trust me: you'll never look back and wish you'd gone to more church dances.


Two (She's awesome, not cool.): Don't try to be cool; try to be happy, good and successful. If you get one of those three things, you'll be way cooler than most people.


Three (Fugly Duckling): First the quick fixes-- Cut your hair, do your math homework (if it seems easy then move on to the next lesson/grade), stop biting your nails, and DO NOT get the gold braces (unless you tell everyone you like them because they're "crunk").

Now for the serious stuff. A few months ago amid a rash of suicides among gay teenagers, a man named Dan Savage started the It Gets Better Project. While the project has distinct audience--LGBT youth being bullied for their sexual orientation--the messages recorded by everyone from world leaders to the lady next door can speak to anyone going through a hard time. Adolescence can be hard, BUT it does indeed get better. Knowing who you are today--let alone who you want to be in 10, or 20, or 75 years--is confusing, but if you're hoping things get better, TAKE ACTION! Invest in yourself, because you're stuck with yourself. BE NICE. Kids can be mean, and it doesn't feel good to be on either side when that happens. Finally, "It Get's Better" isn't about vengeance, or Karma, or retribution, it's about growth. The world is a glorious place with infinite opportunities, so grow, and prepare yourself to take your place in it!

Four (I was born in the 90s too!): Focus on things that really matter (read: trying to be a good person and trying to learn everything you can). Challenge yourself. Read the classics (they're called that for a reason). Even if they seem confusing at first, they'll make sense eventually and the lessons you learn from them will help shape you into the kind of person you really want to be. Form good habits. When your mom tells you to practice your piano because "it will make you a happier person in the future", she's telling the truth! Be nice. Go out of your way to befriend those who look lonely or left out. You'll never regret it--and it's an easy thing that you can do to make the world a better place. In the same vein, smile! It will make you--and everyone around you--happier.

P.S. Don't be self conscious. You're pretty great. Don't worry about being completely divorced from pop culture. It Does Not Matter At All. Never try to be someone you're not. Don't worry about boys. Until you get *much* older, they're a complete waste of time! Finally, make your sisters your best friends because they are the best friends you'll ever have and will always be there for you.


Five (Recovering Adolescent):
Say what you think is right and don't do what you know is wrong. People won't think that you're lame or annoying (unless you're anal about it -- stay chill), and they'll often respect you more for it. Also, most things really aren't that big of a deal. It may seem HUGE at the time, but within a week, a month, or even a year, it will be nothing.* In conclusion, you're rad awesome, 12-year-old Five. I'm confident that you'll turn out. . . pretty epically great.

*On that note, as long as you don't die, some of the worst situations make the best stories (I have a hilarious one about stowing away in a Hungarian cattle car, but it was freaking terrifying at the time).